This is Me…Still
Sometime last Fall, I began to think about what my next decade of age would look like for me not to mention how I wanted to celebrate it. I think I expected myself to want a blow out bash with every walk of life in my contact list but, I realized what was important to me now was quality than quantity. My 30’s felt like a time of trying everything: groups of friends, social commitments, multiple philanthropic committees, business ideas, career changes, wellness fads, design and fashion trends…you get the idea. Like Goldie Locks, I was trying everything to discover what was just right.
I turned 40 in my favorite place: Cabo San Lucas. I woke up to beautiful blue skies, warm sunshine, and the sight of whales playing right off our patio. I sat outside for a good moment and just felt it. I felt gratitude, sadness, hope, worry, excitement, and a huge sense of self. I opened a new journal and wrote words of affirmation and reflections on my journey so far. Cue Tuesday’s with Morrie…
-Always live in gratitude. Everyday, I ask myself what are 5 things I’m grateful for? Sometimes I journal them, sometimes I say them out loud to myself, and sometimes I just try and say thank you Universe even in challenging situations (after silently cursing). There is always a silver lining even if it takes a while to see it. Today is a gift, say thank you damnit.
- I’m not a morning person. I don’t spring out of bed singing to the birds and hit the gym at 6am. I like my morning routine and I like a bit of a slow morning. One reason I loved retail: it opened at 10am haha sorry not sorry. I hit the ground running everywhere else but dawn.
- I’m also not a night person anymore haha. I appreciate naps and an early bedtime, sorry Mom that I doubted your parental law as a child. On that note too…our parents were really always right looking back on it.
- I don’t need to say yes to everyone and every invitation. The energy of people and the go go go used to fuel me and it still does in a sense, but I also need time outs for self preservation and wellness. I’ve also learned that I most likely didn’t miss anything to whatever I declined and there is always the next shin dig.
-Speaking of boundaries…I’ve struggled for years with this issue. I still do. I am a people pleaser and #9 enneagram. I used to tell myself: as long as x person is happy, I will be too because I know then they’re happy with me. Always choosing to not upset or disappoint those in my life has led me to allow friends and family to heavily influence my decisions and sense of self. I know for many my boundary is their trigger.
- Words and actions matter. I read one time, “you are your actions” and I’ve never forgotten that.
-Just because I bowed out of a long time career doesn't mean I am a failure. It means I had the courage to say this doesn’t work for me anymore and I can do something else.
-I am often late with the exception of important meetings. I’m a professional in that sense. Even if I leave early, the time rarely lines up for me. Although I may be late, I always show up. Being present is more important in my opinion.
-I don’t have children and that is OK. It’s none of anyone’s business why and I can’t control their judgment. Again, it is more about them than me.
So this is 40 baby. It comes with health concerns and preventative vitamins. It entails tuning out the loud white noise of others and listening to the soft murmurs of support and love from many. It’s seeing who really is in my corner vs. who I am chatting with in a room. It’s giving my energy to what is important and not worrying about who I say no to. It’s not apologizing for what brings me joy even if it’s expensive or if it’s silly like listening to the same song on repeat in one sitting. I haven’t changed in a lot of ways at 40, but I’ve grown from success and speed bumps. I’m wiser from heartbreak and awake to so much I have to be thankful for. I’m aware of my flaws. I strive to be a better person, but I can give myself grace when I mess up and own my actions. I am not making a movie or album like J.LO (eye roll) about myself but if I did it would be titled: This is me…Still. And I’m great with all of it…finally.
SJ